is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
