did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Alive.
So much puke
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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