dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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