Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Please don't give away my fajitas
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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