she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
