my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
