Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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