There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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