As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
