now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
