I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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