sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
