you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Green mimosas i think yes
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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