During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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