take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
