I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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