Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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