I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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