so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
