wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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