When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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