Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
