I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's rum buckets o'clock
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
