oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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