omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
