You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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