I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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