I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
