my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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