Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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