you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
