hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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