I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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