Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
