my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My Sexting was not on an AP level
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
