I just threw up on my dentist
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't deserve a penis
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize