Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
