Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
