the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
