No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
