Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
