I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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