What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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