Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
