my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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