I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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