You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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