I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
