so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
