We won't sleep together?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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