i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
