I'm so fucking centered right now
if i can run in heels then i can drive
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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