hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
