Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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