That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
