it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
