I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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